Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Bad craziness on Craigslist

I was poking around on Craigslist this afternoon and wandered into the Rants & Raves section of the Personals. The first two are from the Jonesboro area. The rest are from the Memphis area. Other than removing the last name of the guy in the first item, they’re all unedited – just copy and paste:

  1. Mike X is a fat pill pushing s.o.b. that cheates on his wife every chance he gets. he destroyed my marrage by fuckin my wife and got her hooked on pills all of which i have prof. so hopefully he or his wife will contact me soon so this can be taken care of.thx
  2. You have to love when you are at home working on a project or trying to enjoy time with your family when you hear a knocking on your door. You think who could it be a friend a relative? After opening the door you see two people asking for your time away from your family so they can push their religious views into your face. I see this as a type of solicitation. Just my thoughts wonder if anyone else feels this way?
  3. Why would anyone park their car for days and nights on end in front of a neighbor's house blocking their mailbox and almost their driveway?
  4. I work at a bar where the owner TAKES tips from reglars who dont tip good by adding a beer or two to ther tab. But to him anything less than 25% is a bad tip. Andthen he does shit to ther food in the kitchen but is nice to ther face. This is the only bar manager I know that does it-most are ok. But you better tip good at OWT, or youll end up with piss in your pizza, REALLY!
  5. My faith in humanity has been restored! Having been unemployed for about 6 weeks, I was looking for someone to donate a bicycle so that I could expand my job search. Of course, I got the usual responses (i.e., people who, despite reading that I am unemployed, still offered to SELL me one--what's up with that? don't they teach reading COMPREHENSION anymore?) not to mention a ton of spam.
    Then, this lady named Patty, who works in midtown, contacted me and said that she had one her son used to ride. Not only did she offer to let me have it for free, but she even put it in the trunk of her car and brought it to work with her so that I could walk down and pick it up. She also brought a bike lock with it, and as I was going out the door, slipped a 20 in my hand.
    It's too small for me, the seat is uncomfortable as hell, and it squeaks.
    It's also the best Christmas present I ever got.
    Thanks again, Patty!
    When I get work, I intend to buy a bigger one and then find a kid whose parents can't afford to give him a bike and pay it forward.
  6. I heard that some people are registered sex offenders to the government and can't open their door to kids on Halloween, so I wanna register as a sex offender so I don't have to let kids in. I know some sex offenders, and I think it would be really cool to join their club!!! Do you agree, and how can I register as a sex offender? Do I have to pay a membership fee or do some kind of crazy initiation? I hope not. That's why I was never in any college clubs... So anyway, do sex offenders get any other special privileges? I gotta know!!! Tell me!
  7. Dear Sir:
    I am Bornfrxcz from Trillfid Nine.
    I apologize for the green light display the other night over Mud Island. My broodmates, I believe you would say, got into the gojop juice and got snookered very badly. They jettisoned the contents of our waste disposal unit and then destroyed it with the ship's laser. So the white light was the laser that caused the waste to phosphoresce the green color usually only available on a 1969 Volkswagon Thing. I am extremely sorry for this happening.
    I must now confess the following as a way to make amends for our unplanned fireworks.
    We have been visiting your planet for the past century or so, and it is we who run all the Nigerian email scams here on craigslist. We also like to post as 23 year olds who like older men in your Casual encounter section. So be warned and stop mailing your money to our PO Box in Skokie.
    Oh yes, before I forget, the spent radium containers we left on the curb in front of The Olive Garden on Poplar are now gone, but the clothes hangars and Mardi-gras beads are still there awaiting pickup. Do not ring the doorbell, just take the stuff and do not make a mess.
    Your friend,
    Bornfrxcz from Trillfid NINE
    PS Please remember, even though we do resemble your own planetary system's Neptunian lungsuckers, we are not from Neptune and none of us would ever suck your lungs out.
  8. as the previous responder said, the whole city is pretty much a toilet. but the area you are describing is usually on fire from the frequent drive by shootings and arson.

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