I got an email yesterday afternoon from “Dustin M.” at Amazon.com telling me:
“It's come to our attention that your Profile name contains a URL. This is against our guidelines and I'm writing to request that you remove it from your Profile.
I'll check back in 7 days to verify that this has been removed. If it hasn't, we'll change your Profile name to "A Customer" and remove your Customer Reviews. I'm sorry for any concerns this may cause but we want to provide you with the opportunity to make these changes to your account.”
That’s a serious threat because my 130+ customer reviews are the basis for my membership in the Amazon.com Vine program where I get free stuff to review.
I followed the instructions and attempted to edit the URL out of the signature line in my profile, but repeatedly got an error message every time I tried to save the changes. It appears to be a problem with Amazon’s software.
I called customer service this morning and talked to some kid who, after learning that I also have a seller account with Amazon, passed me over to Seller Customer Service. But the Seller Customer Service guy ascertained that the issue concerns my buyer account profile, not my seller account profile, and passed me back to the buyer side where a young woman attempted to make the appropriate edits in my buyer profile and encountered the same problem I had. She put me on hold and, after several minutes, the connection was dropped.
Fuck.
So I took another run at it this afternoon, using the “chat” customer service feature.
Here’s the transcript with what I was thinking in parentheses:
You are now connected to Tahaj-wayne from Amazon.com.
Me:Can't edit nameline in my buyer profile. I received an email from Amazon.com yesterday advising me that I could not have a URL in the signature line (it's been there for years) and telling me how to edit my profile. I have tried repeatedly, but the changes won't take. I had one of your reps on the phone earlier and she couldn't make it work either.
I was told in yesterday's email that I have 7 days to make the change or lose my 130+ reviews and buyer ID.
I'm trying to comply, but your software won't permit it.
Tahaj-wayne:Hello John, my name is Tahaj-wayne. I'll be happy to help you with this issue today (Call me racist, but the name “Tahaj-wayne doesn’t inspire confidence in me.)
Me:ok
Tahaj-wayne:One moment please while I research on this for you
Me:OK
Tahaj-wayne:Thanks for waiting
Me:Do you have a solution?
Tahaj-wayne:At this time I'm doing some extensive research on this matter (Extensive? Ooooo. Sounds impressive, but we both know it’s bullshit.)
Me:ok
Tahaj-wayne:Please wait a few more minutes. thanks for your patience
Me:waiting
If the option of you editing the URL out of my signature line exists, know that I am perfectly fine with that solution.
Tahaj-wayne:Let me ask
the issue you're encountering is regarded to Associates are "affiliates" ? (WTF?)
Me:Is that a statement or a question? Makes no sense.
Tahaj-wayne:As it regards your buyer profile can you tell me more about it I really want to provide solutions
Me:I thought I laid it out concisely in my first statement. Scroll up to the top and read it again. (Starting to get pissed off here and realizing Tahaj has a reading comprehension problem.)
If I seem a little cranky, it's because I wasted an hour on the phone with Amazon.com customer service earlier today with no resolution to the issue.
Tahaj-wayne:Thanks for waiting
I'm almost through with some research on this issue
Me:ok
Tahaj-wayne:May I ask
Are you a seller on the website (Oh, no. We’re not going there. You can’t foist me off on the seller customer service people.)
Me:Yes, but this concerns my buyer account profile. I've already had a long and fruitless conversation with a guy on the seller side who determined I need to work with someone on the buyer side.
Tahaj-wayne:Thanks for waiting as it regards you buyer account nameline which is John M. Flora
Is that what you're having the problem with? (Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ! I just told you that!)
Me:Yes. The signature line, which appears beneath my name, contains the URL of my blog. I have tried repeatedly to edit it out, but the changes don't get made. It appears to be a problem with your software because another customer service person tried to make the change and couldn't do it either.
Tahaj-wayne:OK
In this case it appears there's an issue with the website
I'll send some information over to our technical team so that they can do some investigation on this issue
Me:The notification I got about this yesterday warned that I have 7 days to get the URL out of my signature line or I will lose the 130+ product reviews and my ID, which would really be bad, since I'm a participant in the Vine program.
So you can see why I attach a lot of urgency to this problem and want it resolved immediately.
Tahaj-wayne:OK
We'll have our technical team contact you withing the next 24 hours to get this issue resolved
Me:Ok. Thanks.
Are we done here?
Tahaj-wayne:Yes John
Is there anything else you'd like me to assist you with?
Me:No. That's all.
Tahaj-wayne:OK
have a good evening
Bye
Tahaj-wayne from Amazon.com has left the conversation.
To be continued…
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